When I try to look at these two different lifestyles, my mind first jumps to the conclusion that the two are not that different, with some degree of difference. In this way I am choosing to look at both situations as the same one: a single parent.
Quick! Picture a single mother. What did you think about? In most cases, myself included, we picture a young, hardworking, underpaid, overworked beautiful and unappreciated women. Now, picture a single dad. Like the single mother, we have preset beliefs about this stereotype. Did you think of a panicking man in a backwards apron pouring sausage, pancakes, and syrup into his sons lunchbox? Maybe the kid is wearing mismatching clothes, his shoes are untied, and his hair is all over the place.
We get these preset images of single parents due to popular media. Single mother's, more often then not, are glorified e.g. Gilmore Girls, Friends, Reba, Bewitched, Charmed, Sabrina the Teenage Witch (two mothers but same point) or 8 Simple Rules (became a single mother after the real life actor who portrayed the husband was killed) and for fathers: Full House, Two and a Half Men, Supernatural, Hannah Montana (didn't want to reference this but it is true)
NOW ONCE AGAIN! I AM NOT BASHING BEING A TEENAGE MOTHER!
I am simple trying to state that there is a prejudice against single fathers. I asked my sisters about this and I asked her which stereotype is worse. She told me immediately that women had it worse. I asked her why and she said, "When you see a single dad, you think that he had a wife and she died. When you see a single mom, SHE had a one night stand and SHE has to carry the baby with her for the rest of her life." I could see where she is coming from but I was curious to find some actual statistics.
Looking at updated statistics we can see that:
Of the mothers who are custodial parents:
- 45% are currently divorced or separated
- 34.2% have never been married
- 19% are married (In most cases, these numbers represent women who have remarried.)
- 1.7% were widowed
- 57.8% are divorced or separated
- 20.9% have never married
- 20% are currently married (In most cases, these numbers represent men who have remarried.)
- Fewer than 1% were widowed
seeing that 34.2% of single mothers have never married and that 45% are divorced or separated. This paints a different picture than the young, impressionable hardworking mother. Granted 34.2% is huge and there are a lot of single mothers that for one reasons or another are single parents. There are many possible reasons for this though. There shouldn't be this image that it is because she had a one night stand and now has to bare the pain or humiliation.
The statistics are similar for single fathers. almost 21% of all single fathers have never been married, and only 1% are single fathers because their spouse died. This means that the image we get of a single father whose wife died is also very false stereotype.
Essentially what I'm driving at is that we need to take a hard look at the images thrown at us in TV and movies. Media has made a bias towards single mother versus single fathers. This bias isn't even backed by actual statics but it focus on "what sells."People would be more interested in watching a tv series about a mother who is single because of a one night stand then a mother who is single because she and her husband separated or divorced. This helps explain why TV shows like "16 and pregnant" or "Teen Mom" are so popular.
The way I see it, life is just as hard for single fathers. Looking at a teenage level, when a young guy gets a girl pregnant his life is just as shook up as hers is. She gets full rights in deciding if the baby aborted, kept, or adopted. The father has to live with her decision. He then also has to live with the consequences or paying for the baby's care and supporting the mother (excluding incidents where the mother wants nothing to do with the father or the father ran away).
In older examples men have it just as hard. Men do not have the natural nurturing instinct in them. Men can't here a baby cry and know that that specific cry means the baby is hungry, tired, needs a diaper change, et cetera. In incidents where the child is older the single dad has just as many problems. for male children, the father and child will start budding heads as they strive for control of the house. in female children Men will have a harder time since they wouldn't be able to help girls understand the changes they are both physically and mentally going through.
What I'm striving at is that I believe single dads have it just as rough as single mothers and that this social idea that women have it much worse off is simply an illusion provided by media.
This is a debatable point, and I'm glad you brought it up. There are numerous questions you can ask here. One is who suffers the slings and arrows of misrepresentation more, single fathers or single mothers. Two is whether you think Juffer's argument on behalf of single mothers can be applied to single fathers as well, or do you think it's only for single mothers. And there are other questions, too.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that she doesn't really begin to think about and/or deconstruct the difference between mothers and fathers until chapter 5 and 6, so I'd be curious how you might later follow up with your points in this post by responding to the points she makes in those chapters (specifically when she analyzes actual legal cases.)
I really enjoyed this blog and how you broguht up an idea that most people dont seem to question. I too am not bashing down single mothers because being a single parent is definately difficult, however, the objective of this class is to question things and follow a theory and debate the norms set in place by society; this blog is a great example of this. I really liked the use of statistics because it helps to really show your point more clearly.
ReplyDeleteI think it is also interesting to think about how we view single dads. or just dads in general. I think that they sometimes get credit for doing things that are like DUH. Like when a dad who works all the time takes the kids to the park. It's like wow that is so nice, what a great dad. But the mom is at home all the time doing the same thing and getting less credit from society. I think it is especially evident with divorced parents. I was surprised when I talked to my dad on Thursday about my sisters. They haven't been getting along with my mom and he said something like, "I have it easy, I'm not a full-time parent." I felt instantly bad for him but realized that it is kind of true. Since we live with our mom, we fight with her more, get grounded by her more, and get parented more. It is interesting to me that he noticed this and I think back to all the cool things he used to do with us on the weekends that made me think he was awesome while my mom did all the dirty work. I wonder how outsiders looking in on my family would think about the roles of my dad and my mom.
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I am completely in agreement with you here. On the one hand, I can sympathize with your points on how being a single parent is just as difficult for men as it is for women. On the other, however, we could look at the societal differences. As an example, we can look at the idea we have discussed in class: if a single mother works, it is looked down upon as being a bad mother, and if she doesn't work she is a lazy welfare-stealing person. A single father might not have this same problem. We might view him simply as a hard-working man trying to raise a child on his own. It would likely be considered more acceptable for him to seek regular childcare. The other point you brought up here that I did not agree with was that you seem to be saying that men are not truly capable of raising a child by themselves.
ReplyDeleteYou said "Men do not have the natural nurturing instinct in them. Men can't here a baby cry and know that that specific cry means the baby is hungry, tired, needs a diaper change, et cetera." I would contest that oftentimes women have just as much difficulty with this as men do. Ask a girl your own age who does not have a child of her own and she will likely have no idea what to do in a number of situations. While women are certainly attributed to having a "nurturing instinct," a lot of the experience comes down to simple practice at being a parent. For this reason, single fathers are just as capable at figuring out what to do as a single mother.